Dante’s Inferno.

So, this is to be my first little…I wouldn’t call it a review. Just an opinion piece, I’m not gonna give it a score or anything. Fuckit let’s move on.

Dante’s Inferno.  Where  do I begin? Do I begin at Satan’s massive cock? Do I begin at the ridiculous enemy placement across the circles, by which I mean instances like….encountering the gigantic fat gluttony monsters only once, in their assigned circle and many more times afterwards in the wrong fucking circles? This may seem like a small matter to you, you cretin. But to me, the whole nine circles of Hell thing would have been a lot more awesome if each circle had its own enemies, and while yes, some of that exists. I think it’s a massive copout to spread the enemies who should really be limited to one circle of hell.

Here’s another thing that’s shit. Why do you beat Death, like -the- Death  at the very beginning? And why is Dante in the wrong time, and why is he not a poet? AND WHY THE FUCK IS THIS A GOD OF WAR CLONE? Why not, y’know. Make it a survival horror? Dante becomes separated from his guide, Virgil. And has to survive in the depths of hell while seeking a way out. That would be awesome.

Instead we got a God of War knockoff with worse combat and worse boss fights. Now I’m gonna jump in right here and confess that I didn’t get very far. I stopped playing shortly after gluttony. Lust alone was so gut wrenchingly shit that I couldn’t really push myself much further without losing my mind. So with that in mind, this is going to be a rather short piece.

From what I played I found the combat to be shit. Enemies have plenty of moves that make them immune to being knocked back or stunned and they can start this while you’re in the middle of a combo which you can’t break out of. This, my dear friends. Is fucking frustrating.

As I mentioned, this is going to be a short piece. So I’m gonna close it off with a recommendation that you not play this game, and an image followed by a witty caption. Enjoy.

I'm almost certain this man has never even read a poem.

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Good evening.

Right, so let’s try this then shall we? This is to be the place I will make a note of things that may, or may not have occurred. I leave it up to you to decide. I’ll post opinions here, I’ll probably swear and contradict myself a lot because that’s the kind of guy I am.

At this moment in time I am living in the wilds of Northern Ireland. Far from the comforts of my native Limerick city. I’ve been here for a few days now and I have learned a few, very important lessons.

  • I still hate cats. I imagine this will never, ever change.
  • I hate him, and everyone he knows.

  • The fresh country air is not toxic to those of us who are born inhaling petrol fumes and second-hand smoke.
  • High speed broadband is a privilege not a right.
  • Finally, and perhaps most importantly. Fishcakes are surprisingly nice.

These are the lessons of my first few days in this new, strange land. I will have more soon I imagine, as well as critique of every single game I play[Is that you I see sweating, Dante’s Inferno? You piece of shit.] and book I read.

Stay tuned, and you may see an update sometime, maybe not.

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